Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Thirty-Something Fears

In just over a month I celebrate my thirty-third birthday,
and for the first time since 30, I expect to enjoy that fine day.
It's not that I didn't try to have fun the last two years...
it's just that I've been plagued by thirty-something fears.
I'd been warned and told "no one's immune, you'll see."
But like many happy 29 year old's I thought, "nah, not me."

12:01 AM on the thirtieth anniversary of my birth,
I awoke with a fear which proved that warning's worth.
The weather outside was dark, wet and windy.
Branches hitting the house poked the worry strings in me.
I couldn't sleep knowing a huge sycamore tree loomed above.
So, I called an expert to predict survival in a loft shack vs. tree shove.

I tried pep-talking myself to stop acting like an old lady.
I wrote on my mirror, "Fear only that which is shady."
I started seeing a shrink and popping pills to calm down.
Those little round things worked wonders at ending a frown.
But overall, I didn't feel all that much better,
and I still found my fear causing thoughts to be clever.

When my eyes were dry, I worried that they would pop out.
If one dared question why, it's likely I'd shout.
I began inspecting my entire house daily before bed,
because of an anaconda in the toilet article I read.
I postponed my desire to take a Mexican cruise,
when my fear of attack by pirates became less of a ruse.

I no longer like camping due to renewed belief in bigfoot.
The chinese are looking for him and I await their input.
One of my friends has a pet cockatoo she keeps in a cage.
I'm worried he'll break out and attack me in a rage.
On a day to day basis I wonder if my food is killing me,
but now, more than that, I fear my whiskey's made of pee.

So... what is the difference between this year and the last?
How did I make thirty-something fears a thing of the past?
When the fears and uncertainties come creeping into my mind...
I google the probability of occurrence to see what I can find.
Even with low odds, I like additional reassurance,
that's why I love my new sales agent for insurance.

She's always happy to help no matter my call frequency.
She'd never make fun of the weird fears she hears from me.
She has enlightened me on what my renter's insurance covers.
I now sleep better though the sycamore tree still hovers.
It even covers belongings stolen by pirates while traveling!
Thanks to insurance, my thirty-something fears are unraveling.

If you're trapped by fears, I recommend giving Stef a call.
She's my Farmer's Insurance agent who seems to do it all.
It's not often I'll include a shameless plug within my rhyme,
so you can be sure I mean what I say at this time.
If she hadn't helped contain my thirty-something fears,
the stress on my heart could have shortened my years.

© Rachel Hoyt 2010 - 2011

Thursday, October 21, 2010


Check it out! I've won my first blogging award!
This gal Pandora likes to visit me when she's bored.
She's been a fan ever since she visited my rhyme nook.
Now she's invited her followers to come take a look.
For inspirational stories that will also make you smile,
I recommend visiting Pandora's blog for a while.
If you have a blog, you should drop her a line.
She'll come check you out when she gets the time.
If you're lucky and she likes what you have to say,
perhaps she'll also crown you blogalicious some day.

© Rachel Hoyt 2010

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Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Greenzilla's Top 5 Green Deeds

Last night I formed a new life goal in my sleep.
Greenzo and I were performing environmental upkeep.
I was watching the show 30 Rock before bed...
I guess his message got stuck in my head.
All I know is that I now feel possessed.
I must save this world with which we were blessed.
In my dream I was a hero known publicly as Greenzilla -
who's top five green deeds save more than a scintilla.

5. I bum rides from friends as often as possible,
using auto trouble stories whenever it's plausible.
The broken down car thing works on my coworkers too.
They'll wake up early for a downtrodden member of the crew.

4. No matter where I am, if there's a thermostat,
I have to check the level to see what it's set at.
If I can get my hands on one that's set irresponsibly,
I reset it to stop it from shamelessly taunting me.

3. When I find a good deal on fluorescent light bulbs,
I buy a bunch to take to friends houses and night clubs.
I change out four to five light bulbs every time I go out,
in hopes no one notices the swap until they burn out.

2. A few times a year, if I can locate a good place,
I plant a baby tree in it's "native" open space.
The long night of digging is my best workout plan yet!
Risking a brush with the law... that I'll never regret.

1. Did you know that cows release methane when they fart?
Stopping this grotesque pollution would be more than a start.
Scientists say garlic is the key to lowering the level 50 to 90%.
I say dropping garlic in cow water troughs is money well spent!

So far Greenzilla has existed only in my dreams,
but the need for a change is more imminent than it seems.
And so, I now pledge to make Greenzilla's life a reality,
in hopes to have an effect on the American mentality.
If you too have ideas on how to make a difference,
please post them here to show your non-ignorance.
To additionally help me spread the word amongst the gluttons,
click the share via facebook, twitter or stumble upon buttons.

© Rachel Hoyt 2010 - 2011

     This poem is being shared in Poetry Potluck on Jingle Poetry.
Head there if you're a poet or just wish to read and see.  :)

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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Halloween & Jim Beam

Every year at this time I seem to face the same conundrum.
The stress it sometimes brings often feels quite troublesome.
I find picking a great Halloween costume to be a bit tricky.
Of course, it could be that I'm just really dang picky.
There were quite a few years that I skipped the holiday,
even though I did want to join my friends and go play...
Because if I'm going to dress up I want to do it right,
but I often procrastinate 'til I have a mere fortnight.
That's usually not enough time to come up with something clever,
and I end up spending a fortune on vintage costume treasure.

So, this year I tried to learn from watching my friends plan.
Not surprisingly, the first trick is so start as soon as you can.
I took that fact to heart, perhaps a bit to the extreme.
I've been planning all year... every time I drink some Jim Beam.
You see, that's what I was sipping nearly one year ago,
when Jack Skeleton came wandering in to the karaoke show.
It was, by far, one of the best costumes I've ever seen.
The "mask" that he made was ridiculously keen.
Thanks to his inspiration and deep thoughts while drunk,
I now have more ideas than I ever did as a young punk.

One idea I had (which I'm probably too tall to wear myself)
was a McDonald's fry girl costume made from things upon my shelf.
I thought I could dye an old sheet and rip it up into strips,
then sew them onto an old hat and dress, covering my head to my hips.
I might have to buy tights and a pair of converse high tops,
and I'm not sure if I'd peek my eyes through or use props...
but I could easily make glasses with spray paint & cardboard,
and think a fry girl with great legs would not be ignored.
I bet she'd end up either dancing at a bar with Chewbacca,
or laughing in a booth with Fozzie... waka, waka, waka!!!

Though that sounded quite fun, I knew it wasn't for me,
but the homemade dye I'd found could possibly be.
For about 10 years I've wanted to dress as Smurfette.
I saw a guy pull it off once and I'll never forget.
He had painted his body blue and worn a white dress.
With red lipstick and a wig it sure did impress.
Alas, the handcrafted blue I planned was not so smart.
I should have known it was a bad idea right from the start.
You know those toilet bowl tablets that turn the water blue?
Well... let's just say that they aren't meant for me and you.

After what shall now be known as "the blue dye attempt",
I wanted a more adult costume with still no money spent.
I decided a sophisticated girl would be both clever and cute.
I wanted a message that would be considered astute.
The problem is I tried to ponder while drinking...
and as you know, alcohol impedes one's smart thinking.
I decided I wanted to be a victim of the BP oil spill.
As the big day inches closer, it's feeling against my will.
A bikini, skimpy cover up and flip flops with oil specks,
are a style choice only pretty waifs can wear sans regrets.

So, once again, I sat pondering two weeks before Halloween.
To lower the planning stress, I took another shot of Jim Beam.
Wandering the internet in hopes of costume inspiration,
I found a news story about monkey issues at a sports celebration.
To prevent more biting incidents they've put bigger monkeys in charge.
A group of lemurs and their handlers will protect the population at large.
Suddenly I realized there is one costume type I've never tried...
and a large mask or full body suit would allow me to hide!
Now all I need is a monkey suit and a security uniform...
and the bucks to pay for it... sounds like my Halloween norm.

© Rachel Hoyt 2010 - 2011

Clearance Costumes

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Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Beating Belly Bulge

(Comic courtesy of Stuff No One Told Me.  Thank you, Alex.)

I doubt I'm the only one who struggles to find time to exercise,
or when choosing "healthy" food, tells herself a few white lies.
I've recently decided to call myself out on these self defeating habits,
and search instead for motivating stories and helpful gadgets.
My current habits still seem to make my belly bulge grow...
enough that some have mistaken it for early pregnancy glow.
Although only strangers have been dumb enough to ask,
their comments made beating belly bulge my #1 task.
I know it may not be possible to find all three things in one place,
but I need an easy diet, quick exercises and a motivating face.

I decided first to check my Google Reader for my info in demand,
and stumbled across a brown bear that does daily yoga in Finland.
She's just so cute! I hope she gets her own web cam.
I'd like to practice stretching my legs up as high as she can!
I'm sure a human teacher could instruct me just as well,
but learning yoga from a bear gives a funnier story to tell.
I wandered over to facebook to tell my friends about the yoga bear,
but got distracted by a video link a friend had posted there.
Think Before You Eat was the hilarious song parody I'd just found.
Anita Renfroe made me laugh so hard I think I lost half a pound!

Happy that I'd found a few healthy lifestyle promoters to admire,
I searched for diet and exercise tips to which I could aspire.
The need to avoid junk food was enforced by my first interesting find,
a photo journal on McDonald's hamburgers - so scary it blew my mind.
Could there possibly be undigested hamburger still inside me?
I can't tell you how many times I've eaten there... since I was three?!
Lately I've tried to adhere to the Abs Diet for the majority of meals,
but have allowed "comfort food splurges when stressed" type deals.
Those photos made me realize some indulgences really are worse,
so I made a note to self to keep more healthy snacks in my purse.

As I read on about caffeine content and renaming corn syrup,
I realized the many other small luxuries most naturalists call a slip up.
i.e. I should eat organic, but sometimes am too cheap to pay more.
Plus, for many years, pesticide free wasn't even sold at the store.
My head started to spin with food rules to add to my regimen,
and I started to get tempted to compromise them all again.
I'm just not sure I can live without alcohol, sweets and fried food,
because when stressful times hit they all sound soooooooo good!
I can tame that desire sometimes with healthy substitutes at home,
but need some outlet where my rebel taste buds can roam.

I almost admitted there's no easy way to be healthy,
then the results of a Texas study set my heart free.
They've proven that drinking heavy is better than not drinking at all!
Perhaps I can find a way to be strong and stand tall.
I think I can get myself to ride my bike to the store,
if I know I can come back home and drink more.
I'll have to burn enough calories to cover my wine & liquor,
but if I eat healthy otherwise I'll still loose weight quicker!
Suddenly I realize I've wasted today's free time pondering,
when (again) I could have been calorie burn wandering.

Perhaps my problem has less to do with the food that goes in,
than with my tendency to ponder too long before I begin.
Just today I could have gone walking for two hours,
but researched when I should have gone out to smell the flowers.
I could have burned off a whole bottle of wine,
if I'd just made a little better use of my time.
Next time I'll remind myself it's better not to think...
or at least do it while walking so I can end with a drink.
When it comes to beating belly bulge I've found the best way:
eat well, play hard, and drink a little every day!

© Rachel Hoyt 2010 - 2011

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Dr. Siegal's® COOKIE DIET™

This rhyme is being shared in Poetry Pantry #22.
Head there for more fun stuff to read and do.

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