Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Imbiciles Turn Criminal


        Image by scottchan via freedigitalphoto.net

This economy seems to be breeding criminals,
desperate souls longing for an easier road.
I fear their inexperience made them imbeciles,
the main reason their own plans implode.

Desperate souls longing for an easier road,
embrace the fantasy of high stakes trickery.
The main reason their own plans implode:
they act fast though still unsure and jittery.

Embracing the fantasy of high stakes trickery
is quite risky, so be sure to weigh the cost.
If acting fast although still unsure and jittery,
remember one dumb move can get you tossed.

Despite the risk and need to weigh the cost,
calling the police for advice isn't so smart.
Remember one dumb move can get you tossed
and some places it is illegal to publicly fart.

Calling the police for advice isn't so smart.
They might come to check you out.
Though here it's not illegal to publicly fart,
the law still gives some reason to pout.

They'll surely come to check you out
if you leave a personal belonging behind.
The law gives even more reason to pout
when enforced due to your forgetful mind.

If you leave a personal belonging behind,
find yourself a good disguise and secret hideaway.
When law's enforced due to your forgetful mind
you'll wish you'd listened to my words this day.

Find yourself a better disguise and secret hideaway,
if the item sold or money exchanged was fake.
You'll wish you'd listened to my words this day
and decided to take an indefinite crime break.

If the item sold or money exchanged was fake,
you could still get yourself thrown in the slammer.
Decide now to take an indefinite crime break.
Avoid mentally whacking yourself with a hammer.

You could still get yourself thrown in the slammer,
no matter if you're living out spiritual vows.
Avoid mentally wacking yourself with a hammer.
Show you're smarter than a herd of cows.

While you're sneakily living out spiritual vows,
beware creating the reason your plans implode.
Show you're smarter than a herd of cows;
not just a desperate soul speeding down the easy road.

Many create the reason their own plans implode,
ignoring inexperience, making themselves imbeciles.
These desperate souls longing for an easier road,
seem the reason this economy's breeding criminals.

© Rachel Hoyt 2011

This poem was my very first attempt to write a Pantoum poem.  I'm sharing it in two forums: One Stop Poetry and the Promising Poets' Thursday Rally.  I would love to hear what you think in the comments below.  Thanks!
  

Do you want your blog post links to appear in a rhyme?
Participate in a Smiley Sociology Study sometime.

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38 comments:

  1. ha. nice cultural/news references...yeah the economy and desperation breed criminals indeed...some unruly some just looking to survive...you know.

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  2. To sum: you know, there's a reason we have the Darwin awards...oh stupid criminals. And some people just can't avoid the urge to: "mentally whacking yourself with a hammer."

    Does desperation breed stupidity? Or is the stupidity already there - and the desperation just send them charging into action? Blaming the economy does seem a silly thing, though as Brian says, some people are just trying to survive...

    Quite an entertaining piece.

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  3. @Brian - Glad you liked the news references. They had me cracking up. :)

    @cianphelan & Brian - I agree its hard to decide which comes first... hence the circularity of the poem. It is a vicious cycle.

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  4. Beautiful. If this is your first time writing a Pantoum poem, then it's my first time reading one...or even hearing about one! I was not aware of this style of writing...thanks for expanding my mind this way!

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  5. LOL...Sure glad I don't live in Malawi right now!!

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  6. The way this is structured is neat.
    It starts where it end, the cycle complete.

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  7. This was entertaining. Thanks for the tips! LOL

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  8. Awesome Rachel! I have never read a Pantoum poem before! Looking forward to read the next one!

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  9. A pantoum you say? Well we learn something everyday.
    Everyday I learn something. I feel a pantoum. They say. I say?

    Cheers A

    Boy do I sucketh!

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  10. I'll be good, and I'll be lawful.
    Those folk in the slammer sound downright awful!

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  11. love the sentence structure.. neat! here's my week 38 potluck.. http://fiveloaf.wordpress.com/2010/09/30/i-cant-hold-it/

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  12. I haven't read many pantoum poems, but this is a good one. I loved the links you included! They make the poem a much richer experience. They were all entertaining, but the last one had me shaking my head - when it comes to milk, I have to agree that raw definitely tastes WAY better! (No hormones, imagine that...)

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  13. Dear Rachael

    I enjoyed it very much.. thanks for a lovely post...


    ॐ नमः शिवाय
    Om Namah Shivaya
    http://shadowdancingwithmind.blogspot.com/2011/02/whispers-night-along-sea.html
    Twitter @VerseEveryDay

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  14. Love the way you have written this one..This is the first time i am reading a pantoum poem.A good one I feel..Thanks for sharing...
    Here is mine
    http://poem-myworldofexcitement.blogspot.com/2011/02/poem49-to-be-free.html

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  15. your words are always deep and rich...
    enjoyed your humor.

    Happy Rally.

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  16. That was a beautiful poem.Liked it!
    Also you link your interesting words to another page .That provides us more information too

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  17. A BIG THANK YOU to all of you who left me comments yesterday. It was a super busy day which you all made brighter with your words. They were so great to peek at amidst the madness...

    @ Foxy - I'm glad we could expand our minds together! :)

    @ Wanda - I've added Malawi to the list of places I DON'T need to visit before I die. LOL. :)

    @ Bryan - I love, love, love your thoughtful rhyming comments. They're worth way more than dollars and cents. :)

    @poemblaze - You are quite welcome for the tips! Stay out of trouble, ok? :)

    @Nelieta - I'm glad you enjoyed the Pantoum! It is possible I'll write another fairly soon. :)

    @Alejandro - That was an AWESOME comment! It had hints of Dr. Seuss and Pantoum. :)

    @azfree - I totally agree!! The slammer's no place for gals like you and me. :)

    @fiveloaf - Thanks! I'm glad you liked the structure! :)

    @Dragon Katet - It's nice to have a "review" from someone who's read more than one Pantoum! I'm glad you enjoyed it and the links. I've never tasted that milk and think outlawing it is probably silly. But I never expected the Amish to turn into smugglers... they aren't hillbillies! :)

    @Shashi - I'm so glad you enjoyed it. :)

    @Rashmi - I'm honored to have shown you your first Pantoum! Perhaps you will write one soon?? :)

    @Jingle - Always nice to have you stop by. Your words, "deep and rich" made me a happy sigh. :)

    @Iwrite4u - Glad you liked the links within the poem! Its fun for me to share the stories my ideas came from. :)

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  18. Whheew!! Some good bits of advice there, Rach... and rhymed advice too!! Sweet!!

    Your reference here to the current economic situation is really neatly done! I mean, in a very gentle manner, you have brought out such a serious message... I really liked that a lot!!

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  19. Awww, thanks Kavita! There was definitely a serious message behind this one. I'm glad it wasn't missed due to the rhyming fun. :)

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  20. You, your links, your funny--though insightful--poem...it all just blew me away.

    Thank you so much for posting this. It made me smile on a rough day (:

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  21. Relevant...drew me in quickly. You write well. Good work!

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  22. I had never even heard of a Pantoum poem before visiting you - thanks, Rachel, this was very well done!

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  23. I work for the probation and parole service. I relate to this poem well.
    These criminal mind's are just a farce,
    In fact they are nothing short of a dumb arse.

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  24. Rachael, again you managed to surprise me. I may not agree with everything stated because there are exceptions, but i thoroughly enjoyed it! I just finished writing a 3 part story piece. If you come check it out PT1 is up now! I would enjoy some feed back from as many writers as I can.

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  25. What a fun poem! I've been experimenting some with different poetry forms-I'll have to go look up pantoum now. I can see the repetition of lines. You did a great job with it!

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  26. @NotATameLion - Wowzers... Blew your mind, you say? Glad I could help brighten your day. :)

    @tasithoughts - Glad the words intrigued you from the start! It's comments like yours that warm my heart. :)

    @seasweetie - I'm glad you enjoyed the new form! I guess this book I found it in promotes the non-norm. :)

    @Romina - It's so nice to hear the insider's opinion. I'm glad you feel I present a true picture of that dominion.

    @MyOwn5avior - There's no need to agree with me. I also like a good debate, you see. :) I've got you in my reading queue and will leave a comment on your story too. :)

    @Lolamouse - I did include a link above to a site that explains how to write a Pantoum. It was super fun to play with like writing a squirelly tune. :)

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  27. I really liked this! Very different, nice repetition, a lot of the stuff I read on here is dribble, but well played!

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  28. @kevinalanlamb - I'm not sure if you're implying the rest of my stuff is dribble or you're referring to other writers in the forum? But, I'll say thanks just the same... I think I kept you from boredom? :)

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  29. so much truth to your piece. I thought your piece was just great! xoxo

    Please feel free to visit my piece:
    http://poetrybysherry.blogspot.com/2011/02/beach.html

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  30. I loved it Rachel. I think you succeeded in writing a good pantoum poem.

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  31. @Harshika - I do aim to be different... :)

    @Sherry - Glad you liked it!

    @frayedges - I'm glad you think it's a good pantoum. I may have to write another fairly soon. :)

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  32. I loved the creative flow, the current event mixed with sound advice (sure you aren't some overworked legal aid worker trying to lighter her load by giving tips). Excellent and enjoyable write!

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  33. @abthomas - Nope. I'm an office manager in a non law related field. But, I used to be a social worker and maybe this is my way of continuing to help. :)

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  34. Just came across your blog, Rachel. Very nice work indeed: you've chosen a really challenging form and created something quite enviable. I'm a fan.

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  35. @Will - Wowzers is that a nice compliment. :)

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  36. I'm in agreeance with Will and I too have become a follower !!

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Rhyming or not, I would like a lot to hear the thoughts my words brought...